Vegan Chuckles  (Thank you to the members of the Facebook group Vegan as Fuck for these)

 

If vegetarians eat vegetables,
what do humanitarians eat? 

 

What do you call a vegan post-punk band?
Soy Division. 

 

How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.        

 

How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don’t know, but where do you get your protein!?

 

Why did the tomato blush?
Because he saw the salad, dressing.

Why did the tofu cross the road?

To prove he wasn’t a chicken.

 

What do vegan zombies eat?

Graaaainzzzz

 

How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, we’ve already seen the light!    

 

Have you heard about the new description for people that only date people who like garlic, chick peas and tahini?

Hummusexual.

Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper?  

He sold his soul to seitan

 

What’s the best way to keep milk fresh?

Leave it in the cow   

 

Why did the Tomato go out with a prune?

Because he couldn’t find a date

 

How many omni’s does it take to change a light bulb ?                       

None, they prefer to remain in the dark.

 

I think said the sweet potato, therefore, I Yam.

 

What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?

It’s mashing!

 

I’m not vegan because I love animals…

I’m vegan because I hate plants

 

Did you hear about the vegan cannibal who only ate Swedes?

 

How many vivisectors does it take to change a lightbulb?   
None, they don’t want you to see what they are doing.

 

A vegan’s vegetable garden was growing like mad, but the tomatoes wouldn’t ripen and, as there’s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes, she was getting pretty impatient. So she went over to her neighbour and asked, “Your tomatoes are always red, while mine are always green. How do you do it?” Her neighbour said, “Well, this may sound absurd, but here’s what you do. After dark, go out into your garden and take off all your clothes. When the tomatoes see you they’ll get embarrassed and blush. Tomorrow they’ll all be red, you’ll see.” Well, what the hell, she thought, so she did it. The next day her neighbour asked her how it went. “So-so,” she said, “The tomatoes are still green, but the cucumbers are all 4 inches longer.”